The Dream of Harry Potter
by NellzLiv
Summary: Draco and Hermione are caught snogging in the corridor, Fred and George fall in love, Harry questions his sexuality and so do some of his friends. Extreme SLASHFIC. Pure Chaos! AFTER 2 YEARS IT'S FINALLY COMPLETE!
1. The Odd Feelings of the Boy Who Lived

**The Odd Feelings of the Boy Who Lived**

"Hell-_ooo_ Ron" thought Harry, staring at his long-time friend. He had never thought Ron so attractive and his body so appealing than at this moment in time.

"Hey, Harry, mate," said Ron, his feelings mutual, "h-h-how are you?" he stuttered, liking what he saw.

"Oh, hey Ron! I'm… good… and, you?" Harry said, breathlessly, his heart pounding in his chest.

"I'm trying to get Hermione to like me." Ron lied.

Harry's heart instantly sunk. "Oh, well, uhm, good luck, old chum."

"I'm going to need it. She already knows about my sexuality," muttered Ron.

"What? Sorry, didn't catch that." Harry said. This was a lie, he had heard every word, and he likied.

"Oh, I was saying, ha! I'm not gay!" said Ron, going red.

At this, Harry leaned over and kissed him. Ron returned the kiss. At that very moment, a mass of greasy, bushy brown hair came flying into the room.

"Harry, wake up!" said Hermione. "You were having a bad dream or something… it wasn't about You-Know-Wh-Voldemort, was it?"

"No, it was… a good dream." Harry breathed.

Ron, being the skilled Leglimens that he was, immediately sensed tension between them. He decided to look into Harry's mind, though he knew that it wasn't the right thing to do without asking for permission. He liked what he saw. He and Harry were in a passionate lip lock. Harry, the skilled Occlumens that he was, sensed the intrusion and got Ron out of his head. He then let out a sob, and ran from the room.

That night in the great hall, neither Harry nor Ron spoke. They sat on either side of Hermione, who ate her stew in silence, not wanting to interrupt. Besides, she had the Yule Ball to think about… who was she going to ask?

Harry awkwardly looked up from his bread roll, and saw Cedric Diggory entering the great hall. Boy, had he grown up this summer. Cedric had become a man. He had at least 15 different girls hanging off of each arm, but Harry's gaydar could tell that this was just a beard to mask his sexuality. Who knows, thought Harry, maybe I should be the one to make the first move. Cedric could just be confused; maybe he was a new gay, unlike Harry, who had been a gay since the day he was dropped off at the Dursley's.

Harry saw Hermione take a deep breath, and she looked over at Ron. "Ron, you know about the Yule Ball, don't you? Well, I was wondering if you'dliketogowithme?" Harry knew of this tactic, play dumb, and then speak slow so that they understand you.

"Uhm, Hermione, didn't catch that." Ron said, utterly perplexed. Hermione repeated the question slowly.

Ron stared at her blankly, and then looked to Harry, as though asking him 'is it alright with you?' Harry nodded, blinking back tears. "Yes, Hermione, that'd be great."

Harry suddenly let loose his tears and ran from the hall, sobbing loudly. He sat down behind a gargoyle statue, facing the wall. Suddenly, he felt a warm hand on his left shoulder. He looked, and it was Cedric. _The_ Cedric. Harry played hard to get, and turned back to the wall. "What do you want with me?"

Cedric cupped Harry's face with his hands and gave him a soft, tender kiss on the lips. Harry's face lit up with glee, and his heart fluttered in his chest.

"Oh, Cedric. Am I the one you really love?" Harry asked, eyes glimmering in the low candle light. Hmm, Harry wondered to himself, had the candles started to dim, or was it just his imagination? Could he truly be falling for this man?

"I would do anything for your undying love." Smiled Cedric. Harry loved his smile more than anything in the world. Just then, he saw Ginny Weasley walk by with Cho Chang, and they were holding hands; though he wasn't disheartened, as he had found new love.

"Cedric, I waswonderingifyou'dliketogototheballwithme?" Harry asked, very quickly, as he was nervous.

"What, sorry, I didn't catch that." Said Cedric.

"I was… wondering… if you'd… like to go to the ball… with me?" Asked Harry, shyly.

"Oh, Harry. I'm sorry, but I've been asked, and I've said yes." Cedric sighed deeply.

"Oh…" said Harry, "WITH WHO??!?!"

"Malfoy. Draco Malfoy." Cedric said, almost regretfully.

Harry had no answer for that, or at least in words. He let out a sob and slapped Cedric across the face. He was hurt deeply. He jumped up and ran up the staircase, which was just beginning to move. Draco was on his way down the staircase, and when Harry saw him, he cried even harder, and continued to run. Once he was in the Gryffindor tower, he sat on his bed, chin on his knees, and cried. Why am I so emotional now? Harry wondered to himself.


	2. It All Becomes Clear

**It All Becomes Clear**

The next morning, Harry woke up to Ron stroking his head.

"Harry…" he began slowly, "I'm sorry about last night. I know that this may seem a bit odd, but… I love you. I have since that first day on the Hogwarts Express. Did you know how happy I was when we hugged in Book 2?"

Harry decided to play hard to get again. He looked at him, pretending that he had nothing to say. Finally, he couldn't hold it in anymore, "I LOVE YOU RON!" Harry cried, joyously.

The rest of the boys in the dormitory heard this and clapped. Obviously this had an effect on Dean Thomas, who looked at Seamus in a new way.

"Seamus…" Dean started slowly, "Harry and Ron have inspired me to come true with my heart and feelings… I LOVE YOU, SEAMUS!"

Seamus, hearing this, exclaimed, "DEAN, I'VE FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU SINCE THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU TAKING OFF YOUR ROBES!"

Neville sat on his bed, looking glum, with no one to love, for he had run out of boys in the dormitory.

"First class is starting soon!" called a squeaky, elfish boy from the door. It was that of Colin Creevy, the short, excitable boy in the year below Harry. Neville took this chance to 'fess up.'

"COLIN, YOU ARE MY ONE AND ONLY!" Neville screeched, and with that he ran to the door and pulled Colin into a rib breaking hug.

"Sorry, Neville…" Colin squeaked, "I don't even really know you, and I'm already steady with Ernie Macmillian."

"Hey!" said Dean, "Ernie's already dating Justin Flinch Fletchley… he must be cheating on you guys!"

With having heard that, Colin said, "BLOODY ERNIE!" and left the room.


	3. The Boy and the Man

**The Boy and the Man**

The next morning at breakfast, Hagrid was ready to hunt for fresh meat. He spotted a mass of red hair at the Gryffindor table, and licked his lips.

"I likey…" he said to himself. He started over to the table, smoothing his trench coat. "Hey, Ron, how'd you like to come over to me cabin for a spot'a tea?"

"Uhm, I'd like that. I'd like that a lot," Ron smiled. Hagrid grinned menacingly. "What's wrong, Hagrid?" said Ron, noticing the odd, hungry look that Hagrid possessed.

"Huh, stomache ache," Hagrid chuckled. Ron looked around, feeling uneasy, and when he spotted Harry, he grinned, comforted by those unnaturally green eyes.

"Well, we best be off," Hagrid began, impatient. Ron started slowly, not breaking Harry's gaze.

"Yeah, best be off…" Ron mumbled, dazed. He shook his head, snapping out of the naughty thoughts that had taken over his mind. "See ya' later, Harry!" he called over to his best-and-soul-mate.

When they reached the cabin, Hagrid said, "Make yourself at home, Ron, I'll only be in the bathroom for a minute."

"Okay," replied Ron, feeling yet again uneasy because Harry was not with them to protect anymore…

By the time Hagrid returned, Ron was utterly scared of the possibility that he may not leave the cabin a virgin. Hagrid was dressed only in a wooly night gown, and he smirked at Ron, a glint in his beady black eye.

"Lay down on the bed, Ronny. This'll only take a minute," he chided, laughing a little. Ron sat down on the bed, audibly gulping, his heart pounding in his chest. He felt guilty… He was a little bit excited about what was unraveling there in that steamy cabin.

"Would you rather we do this in the pumpkin patch?" added Hagrid, wanting to make Ron's first time special. Ron smiled, glad to know that there were at least two people he could count on in this cruel world of magic.

"I'd like it right here, thanks," He said. Hagrid knelt down next to the bed, preparing for what he was about to do.

"This might hurt a little, considering our size difference…" Hagrid said.

From the castle, Harry heard a shriek that sounded a lot like Ron's. Being the noble hero that he was, he rushed out to Hagrid's cabin, knowing that his giant friend had been trouble from the very beginning. When he arrived there, he pounded on the door.

"HAGRID, WE KNOW ABOUT THE SORCER'S STONE!" he yelled. "GIVE ME MY RONALD BACK!"

"Not a chance, me boy!" replied Hagrid, loving the way Ron's body fit to his own.

Harry, preparing to knock down the door, spotted Cedric in the distance. He knew that Ron was going to be alright in Hagrid's care, so he left to find a new, more masculine soul mate. Cedric, though taken by Malfoy, was always a cheater, and always would be.

"Hey, Cedric!" Harry called, running toward his love, "The prefects bathroom on the third floor is not a bad place for a bath!"

Hearing this, Cedric turned around, feeling horny. "Yes it is…" he said, tugging at his shirt collar. He walked towards Harry, and took the boy's frail, beaten hands in his own large, masculine ones. "Yes, it is," He repeated.


	4. Mayhem in the Male Bathroom

**Mayhem in the Male Bathroom**

Later that day, Harry, leaving the prefect's bathroom, ran into Ron descending.

"Uhm, how was tea at Hagrid's?" Harry asked nervously.

"Ahh, good. Much better than the tea that _you_ make me!" Ron said, feeling very sensitive and upset at his best friend in the whole world.

"Ex-_cuse_me for living!" Harry said, offended by his rudeness. "You are _so_ not my best friend anymore!"

Ron, a tear rolling down his red cheek, let out a sob, and ran down the rest of the stairs, horrified that he had lost his best friend in the course of a single day. When he reached the bottom of the staircase, he ran into the first bathroom he saw, kicking the door open with his large foot. He nearly missed a tall, masculine figure who was examining himself in the bathroom mirror.

"Cedric?" Ron asked, hatred clear in his tone of voice. "I hate you," He said bluntly, seething.

"Hello, Ron," Cedric said, giving him the quick once over, "Tasty…" he thought to himself.

Ron, sensing Cedric's gaze, shivered unwillingly. "Uhm, so, what brings you to the bathroom?" Ron asked awkwardly, hiding his lust.

"Well…" Cedric began, but he was cut off as Harry ran into the bathroom, also in tears.

Cedric and Ron glared at each other, pretending to be enraged. Each felt that they were the one who was supposed to comfort the torn Harry.

"I-I-I fricken' love you both!" Harry said, breaking into a batch of fresh sobs. He looked them both in the eyes at the same time, trying to determine which he had more love for. Ron, the bisexual redhead. Cedric, the flat-out gay brunette. They were both mighty fine, and both good kissers! He had a decision to make, or else his internal conflict would tear his already weakened heart into two dead hearts.

Cedric sneaked a peek at Ron, who was secretly sneaking a peek at him. They both quickly glanced away.

"Harry, dear, sweet Harry, come here," Ron said at last, his arms ready to embrace the boy who lived.

"No," said Harry, and, overcome with some unknown emotion, went to Cedric. Ron let out an unearthly sob, and went to seek the comfort of Hermione.

Cedric smiled down at his young lust, and got lost in a passionate kiss.


	5. The Yule Ball

**The Yule Ball**

"Oh my gosh," thought Harry, "Tonight is the Yule Ball and I have no date!" He was in a panic, lost in the thought of going alone. He had to find a date, and quick.

He listed his options, AKA, the other guys at Hogwarts who felt the same way that he did. "Hmm," he thought, "There's Boot, Terry. There's MacDougal, Morag. There's Nott, Theodore. There's Flint, Marcus. There's Zabini, Blaise. There's Weasley, Fred, and Weasley, George." He thought of many others, but ultimately decided on Weasley, Bill.

He went to the school broom cupboard, where he knew an unwatched fireplace was hidden. "Conveniently complete with floo network!" Harry said, smiling broadly. He skipped in a circle, grabbed just a pinch of floo powder, and sang, "Bill Weasley!" He hopped into the flame, and was instantaneously transported to a gay bar in Romania.

"Hey, Harry!" Bill said, liking what he saw on the boy ten years younger than himself, "How may I service you? DOH! I mean, what's up?"

"Bill, uhm, considering where we are right now, I think that it's safe to ask: Wouldyouliketogototheballwithme?" he asked nervously.

"Sorry, didn't catch that." Bill said. But he had heard, and he likied.

"I was wondering… Do you want to go… to the ball with me?" Harry repeated, blushing sweetly.

"How can I say no to a sweet young man like yourself?" Bill said, teasing.

"So you wanna play hard to get?" thought Harry, feeling unappreciated. Turning to the wall, he decided that he wouldn't go with someone as rude as Billium Florence Weasley.

"Actually, I already have a date," cried Harry, overcome yet again with grief, "If you must know, it's your bother George!" Harry said once he got no reply. How had he ever thought that Bill would be a solid date for him? He had to re-plan his entire future, this time with a younger Weasley. And with that last thought, he vanished, never to be seen by Billium the Bastard again.

"George Weasley," he smiled at the name of his newest target in this game he had come to know as true love.

George, who had been in the broom cupboard the whole time, said, "WHA?!?"

"Oh, George!" said Harry, composing himself, "I didn't, uhm, know that you were here!"

"Well, brothers like to catch up with each other every once and a while," George winked slyly. Innocent little Harry had no idea what he was in for, but just the wink told him that it was going to be good.

"Wouldyouliketogototheballwithme?" Harry asked nervously.

"Sorry, didn't catch that." George said. But he had heard, and he likied.

"I was wondering… Do you want to go… to the ball with me?" Harry repeated, feeling silly having repeated those two phrases for more than half of the Hogwarts gays that term.

George laughed, having heard Harry say that once or twice before, and, feeling like the backup boy, said, "Of course… I WON'T GO TO THE BLOODY BALL WITH YOU!"

Harry let out a sob and ran from the closet, grabbing a pinch of floo powder as he left- he would be back shortly considering the fireplace was in the closet.

As Harry neared the end of the corridor, he realized that he needed to go back to the broom cupboard in order to do what he needed to do- Floo Dudley Dursley, his last hope, to Hogwarts. When he finally reopened the closet door, he was relived to see that George had gone off to do bigger and better things.

Throwing the floo powder still clutched in his hand, he yelled, "Cousin Duds!" and jumped into the dancing green flames.

"OOF!" he landed with a thud in Dudley's bedroom, and was breath-taken when he saw his gorgeous stud of a cousin lying in his bed, conveniently already wearing a tuxedo! Harry transformed his own robes into a matching outfit, sure that his time was running out.

"Cousin! Get up! Get up! We're going to the ball!" Harry shouted, excitement flooding through his veins.

"Ugh," groaned the large boy, rolling onto his gigantic stomach.

"Dudley, please, I'm begging you! You have to help me- If I don't have a date, I'll be ashamed!" Harry cried.

"Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine," said Dudley, giving in to Harry's pleading.

"THANKS!" Harry yelled, planting a kiss onto Dudley's open mouth. Dudley, surprised, was unable to react to this. They stared into each others eyes, smiling spontaneously, as Harry took Dudley's hand and helped him to stand up. He weighed a lot, but his eyes were like pools of mud.

Later, at the ball, Harry began to introduce his hot date to his supposed friends. He wanted to make Cedric and Ron jealous, so he paid special attention to constantly leaving his hand on the small of Dudley's large back.

Throughout the ball, Harry danced the night away, and after a long, passionate kiss shared with Duddys, wished him farewell, and sent him off on his way back to Privet Drive.


	6. Krum Returns

**Krum Returns**

The morning after the ball, Harry was feeling a bit under the weather. He had never actually liked Dudley for his mind, only for his body. Feeling guilty, Harry let his gaze drift to the window, where he had a great view of the lake. He saw an odd ripple across the water, and a tall black mast appeared. Soon, a whole ship emerged from the depths of the disgusting water, and Harry saw that only one man was aboard the ship.

At the bow of the boat stood Viktor Krum, "My knight in shining armor," Harry thought, but soon erased that thought from his mind, feeling that he was moving too quickly- the romance wouldn't last if he came on too strong. Also, he hadn't spoken to Viktor for 9.72 years. What kind of questions would he ask? Would the conversation go smoothly? He had to sort out the details before he confronted Krum.

"Ron, Ron, I need your help!" Harry said frantically, "You've always been good with this sort of thing!"

Ron, not wanting to help Harry, said, "Piss off," and rolled his eyes. This gesture of rudeness made Harry even more fretful, and he ran down the boys' dormitory steps to seek help from his good friend Hermione Granger. As he began to run up the girls' dormitory steps, they turned into a slide! Harry desperately clawed his way up, as he needed Hermione's help very, VERY badly.

When he finally reached the top, he saw that Hermione was nowhere to be found, and let out a sob. He slid back down the concrete slide, and landed in a heap at Hermione's feet.

Feeling very disoriented, Harry said, "Hey."

"Uhm, Harry, don't mind me asking, but, why were you just in the girls' dormitory? I thought that you were, uhm, interested in men?" Hermione blushed in embarrassment for Harry, her lifelong companion.

"No, I was seeking your consent. You've always been good at this kind of thing. Viktor Krum has returned!" Harry said. Hermione, upon hearing this, immediately dropped her books.

"Harry, what are you telling me?" She screeched.

"I need your help!" Harry said, oblivious to her sudden outburst, "I want to ask him to the ball!"

"Harry, get a hold of yourself! You went to the ball with Dudley, and Viktor is _mine_!" Hermione cried in outrage.

Letting out a sob, Harry ran from the common room. As he ran down the stairs, he forgot all about the invisible thirteenth step, and fell into the emptiness that was not unlike his own heart.

Half an hour later, a pair of strong hands reached down into the hole that was the missing step, and a voice said, "Harry, vrab unto me vands."

Harry recognized this voice as Viktor's, and called, "Viktor? Is… Is that you?"

"Vessum," said Viktor, smiling awkwardly, "Vermyown vaid you ver in a vole, so I save you."

"Why, thanks!" said Harry, giggling with glee in spite of the situation. He had Viktor all to himself.

"Vell, let's vo to vinner in de vreat hall, no?" Viktor said in a thick Bulgarian accent.

"Yes," said Harry, giggling yet again, as a blush crept to the tips of his cheeks. Feeling this unwanted presence, he slapped his face, hoping to be ridden of the blush. Unfortunately for him, his face got stuck in a dopey grin.

Seeing this, Krum imitated the grin, and they walked into the great hall, hand in hand.


	7. Vrum's Vizard Vheezes

**Vrum's Vizard Vheezes**

That evening at dinner, Harry and Krum were having an enjoyable conversation about Rumple Stiltskin, an old wizard's tale.

"I vove the vart vhere de guy takes de vaby." Krum laughed.

Harry agreed, this was his favorite part, too! "We are alike in so many ways!" Harry said.

Krum agreed, laughing, "Ve are!" and then he slapped his face. It also stuck, but his was mid-chuckle.

Harry looked down at his plate of food, and realized, with a flooding feeling of panic flowing to his stomach, that it was _empty_! "MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE!" He screeched.

Ron, hearing the cry, looked at Harry in disgust. "Gross…" he muttered to Hermione, who was chewing her stew like a madman, overcome with jealousy at the sight of Harry and Viktor in action.

Krum, being the loving boyfriend that he was, filled Harry's plate until it was heaping with a generous assortment of food.

Harry, seeing the food, yelled, "MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE!" So Viktor piled up a few more pumpkin pasties onto his plate.

Delighted, Harry clapped and made an animal-like sound, before he started in on the food.

Since Harry was delighted, Viktor was delighted. Since Harry clapped, Viktor clapped. Since Harry made an animal-like sound, Viktor made an animal-like sound.

Once they had both finished their meals, Viktor said, "Vould you vike to voin me vor a valk at de vake?"

Harry, delighted yet again, clapped even harder than before, and with a grin that matched no other, said, "I'd love to join you for a smooch, DOH! I mean, for a walk by the lake."

Viktor, not being very good at English, fortunately didn't understand the word 'smooch'. Harry sighed. This was going to be a long night.

The walk from the castle to the lake was filled with laughter, tears, and clapping. Once they arrived, Viktor said, "Vould you vike a vour of me vhip?"

Harry, delighted, clapped, "Of course I'll join you, Vikky!"

Viktor, delighted at the sound of his nickname, clapped and squealed in pure joy. "Vet's go!"


	8. The Hetero Mark

**The Hetero Mark**

Over the next several days, Harry and Krum shared everything with one another. But, soon, Harry realized that he just didn't like guys anymore.

One night, as Krum was undressing himself, Harry busted into the room, and seeing that, under their clothes, their bodies were similar, he was sickened to the point of tears. He then ran from the room, sobbing, and their relationship was crushed.

He needed to find himself a girlfriend.

But who? There were plenty of girls at Hogwarts, but a lot of them were too feminine for his liking. He would be the woman in this relationship. There was Bullstrode, Millicent. There was Bones, Susan. There was Patil, Parvati, and Patil, Padma. There was Parkinson, Pansy. There was Greengrass, Daphne. There was Abbott, Hannah. There was Brocklehurst, Mandy. There was Weasley, Ron and Granger, Hermione. There was Perks, Sally-Anne. There was Turpin, Lisa, and many more, but Harry ultimately decided on Skeeter, Rita. She was masculine, but still sexy. And a woman. Harry needed a woman.

The next morning, conveniently, Rita was doing an article on Harry Potter!

"Rita, remember 9.72 years ago, when you interviewed me in that broom cupboard? Well, let's go there again," Harry said, a glint in his eye.

Rita smirked, catching on quickly. She likied. "No, Harry, refresh my memory."

Harry led her by the hand to the very spot where the broom cupboard was, but upon realization that it was no longer there, he ran from the corridor, sobbing. Rita, the masculine woman that she was, followed after him.

Playing hard to get, Harry turned toward the wall, and said, "I'm playing hard to get."

Rita walked away from what could have been, to continue her article on Harry Potter elsewhere.


	9. Priori Gay

**Priori Gay**

After his disheartening experience with Rita, Harry decided that he would never be straight again. It was just too hard, considering the majority of the Hogwarts population had already come out of the closet.

Not wanting to be alone forever, Harry decided that he would need a new man, and pronto. There was Dumbledore, Albus. There was Snape, Severus. There was Lockhart, Gilderoy. There was Riddle, Tom. There was Voldemort, Lord. There was Moody, Mad-Eye. There was Flitwick, Fillius. There was Binns, Professor. There was Pomfrey, Madame. There was Hooch, Madame. There was Creevey, Dennis. There was Diggory, Amos. There was Weasley, Arthur, and Weasley, Molly, and so many others. Ultimately, Harry decided on Jordan, Lee.

That evening, conveniently, there was Quidditch practice, and Lee Jordan, conveniently, happened to be the captain of the Gryffindor squad! Harry was not actually on the team- he was the cheerleader.

"GO LEE!" Harry screeched at the top of his lungs. He clapped, delightedly.

Lee began to clap as well, but fell off of his Cleansweep 8.9. Harry, being the skilled runner that he was, caught him in mid air.

"Harry, you saved me! I love ya', mate!" Lee thanked him.

Harry, taking this literally, kissed Lee, who smacked him across the face, undoing the dopey grin that Harry had self-inflicted in the days that he was with Krum.

"HARRY, YOU PANSY!" Lee shouted, absolutely disgusted at Harry's actions. Harry began to sob, and ran from the Quidditch field.

"I'm resigning from my cheerleading post!" Harry yelled as he ran towards the locker rooms. He accidentally went into the girls' room, but didn't give a damn about what anyone's father thought. Already in the bathroom, preening his eyebrows, was Marcus Flint.

"Hello, Harry," said the Slytherin in a falsetto voice.

"Hey, Marcus," said Harry, unmoved. He didn't get surprised anymore when he met other gay men- there were just so many these days!

"So, Harry, I was thinking, wouldyouliketogotohogsmeadewithme?" Marcus asked, flushing.

"Sorry, didn't catch that…" said Harry. But he had heard every word, and oh no, he didn't likey!

"I was wondering… If you'd like, to go, to… Hogsmeade… With me," repeated Marcus, grinning shyly.

"NO," said Harry, running from the room, sobbing.

"Harry, wait!" cried Marcus, also sobbing, "Just give me a chance!"

"I don't want to," said Harry, not even playing hard to get this time. He left Marcus in despair, going off to find a new boyfriend.


	10. Harry and Ernie

**Harry and Ernie**

Harry was upset after the ordeal with Marcus, but he stood tall, and soon got through. As he sat in a library chair, mulling things over in his mind, he spotted Ernie Macmillian out and about, with his best friend, Hannah Abbott. Harry decided to give love a chance, and make a move. After all, he had been rejected so many times that this time rejection wouldn't hurt if things went haywire between him and Ernie.

"Hey, Ern. Han," Harry said, addressing them the Hufflepuff way.

"Hey, Har," they said in unison, returning the favor. Harry likied.

"So, what's up?" asked Harry nonchalantly.

"Err, nothing really," they said, giving each other a meaningful look. Harry brushed this off as a look of innocent friendship.

"Same with me. So, what kind of music are you into?" Harry asked, searching for a topic, "Meself, I'm into the song Maneater."

At this, both Ernie and Hannah gave each other a quizzical look, and Hannah said, "Me too," and growled.

Ernie said, "I like the song Fergalicious."

"Oh my gosh!" Harry screeched, "Fergalicious, definition, make them boys go loco. They want my treasures so they get their pleasures from my photo. You can see me, you can squeeze me, I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy. I got reasons why I tease 'em, boys just come and go like seasons, HARRYLICIOUS!"

"It's hot, hot!" Ernie supplied the rest of the lyrics in Harry's modified catchy tune.

"Ohh baby, baby, if you really want me, honey get some patience, maybe then you'll get a taste. I'll be tasty, tasty, I'll be laced with lacey. It's so tasty, tasty, It'll make you crazy!" Harry and Ernie said this last part in unison, holding hands with each other and bouncing up and down on the balls of their feet.

Hannah, realizing that she was not welcome anymore, walked away. Ernie and Harry, noticing that they were now the only ones in the library with the exception of Madame Pince, kissed each other passionately.

"Harry, I just wanted to try that, to see if boys were any different…" Ernie admitted uneasily, "I'm just not impressed. Sorry."

Harry slapped him, and ran from the room, sobbing. In the hall, he ran into Ernie Fletcher, a Ravenclaw first year.

"Hello, Ernie F.," Harry said shyly.

"'Lo, Harry James Potter," said Ernie, doing it the Ravenclaw way and calling him by his full name.

"Oh, yes, I forgot. How silly of me! Hello Ernie Bletcher Fletcher!" Harry giggled, and so did Ernie.

Offended, Ernie cried, "My middle name isn't Bletcher, you fool! It's Bernie!"

Harry, being the fool for love that he was, apologized, and decided to try and keep this love alive.

"I'm sorry, Ernie Bernie Fletcher. Let's go for a walk…" Harry began.

"Okay, how about the third floor? You're a prefect, and I'd really like to check out the bathroom!" Ernie said.

"Yes, let's go." Harry agreed.

Upon reaching the bathroom, Harry, wanting Ernie to like him more, said, "You can open the door. The password is Pine Fresh."

"Thanks!" said Ernie, delightedly clapping his hands, "Pine Fresh!" he cried. Several girls inside of the bathroom screamed, and Harry, upon seeing their bodies not similar to his own, ran away sobbing.

No one was there to comfort him.


	11. Uncle Dumbledore's Big Mistake

**Uncle Dumbledore's Big Mistake**

Albus Dumbledore, being the skilled guidance counselor he was, sensed Harry's rejection after his rejection from Ernie Bernie Fletcher. Immediately after realizing that Harry was now alone in this world, Dumbledore summoned his owl, Carlos, and wrote Harry a letter:

_Harry,_

_Meet me in my office. Pronto._

_The password is Double Door._

_-Dumbledore_

Harry, upon receiving the letter, started up to the fifth floor, where the headmaster's office was conveniently located. Harry found the statue of the pigeon, and said, "Double Door!" The pigeon squawked in approval, and flew aside, revealing a spiral staircase. Harry quickly ascended the staircase, only to find the professor masturbating while watching The Girls Next Door on E!, his favorite channel. Harry was appalled.

"Dum..Dumbledore?" Harry cried, "Turn off the television! You're wasting your life away in front of that thing!"

"Oh, Harry, nice to see you, son. I forgot that you were coming." Dumbledore said, smiling gently.

"So, uhm… Do you have any other channels on that? You know, ones that may appeal to a guy with feelings like mine?" Harry asked, wanting to feel welcome in this unfamiliar place.

"No, I'm afraid that I don't…" said Dumbledore, sadly.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" Harry screeched, upset. Dumbledore was horrified as he watched Harry vandalize his office. Slowly, every possession in his office was destroyed. Dumbledore ran from the room, sobbing. Harry, seeing the disaster that he had created, laughed evilly, and decided that it felt good to be bad.

At that moment he changed. He was no longer Harry, the chosen one. He was now Harry, destroyer of time.


	12. Hegwig's Theme

**Hedwig's Theme**

The next morning, Harry awoke to the sound of Hedwig, his owl, choking on Pigwidgen.

"SHUT YOUR ASSHOLE!" Harry screeched, trying to sleep.


	13. More Mayhem in the Men's Room

**More Mayhem in the Men's Room**

Later that day, after Hedwig's burial, Harry wept in silence in the boys' bathroom. Conveniently, at the same time and place, Ron was weeping over Pigwidgen in the boys' bathroom. Little did they know they were in the same bathroom.

Conveniently, Cedric Diggory, now known as "Diggs", decided that he had to use the bathroom. As he opened a stall door, he noticed that it was already occupied by his long lost love, Harry Potter.

"H…Harry?" asked Cedric, in a love struck daze.

"Next time there's a ball, you should ask me first, not as a last resort!" Harry screeched, inconsequently.

"Harry, I'm sorry, I've been asked… and I've said yes…" Cedric replied, heartbroken.

Ron, hearing this dialogue Cedric and Harry, wiped the tears from his eyes and came out of his stall.

Harry, outraged that Ron had been eavesdropping, ran from the bathroom, sobbing. In the hall, he threw himself down on the ground, and thought to himself, "I need some inspirational music."

This part of his life is what he calls, 'Needing Some Inspirational Music.'

When he got back to his dormitory, he had a tough decision in front of him between "Fergalicous" and "Bonanza (Belly Dancer)". He ultimately decided on the latter, because Fergalicous reminded him too much of his long lost love, Ernie Macmillian, or "Ern", as the Hufflepuffs referred to him.

As Harry went down to dinner, he decided he needed to get somewhere in his life. He was not just "Harry Potter, Destroyer of Time", he needed to get bigger, better. He had places to go, people to see. He had his dreams to fulfill. He had Galleons to spend, and Sickles to spend them on. He had friends to make and friends to leave. He had rooms to run out of sobbing, and Hedwig to feed.

His life was going to be full of happiness, as he liked to think. When he was a young lad, he often dreamt of leaving the Dursley's. When he was a young man, he often dreamed of the other young men. Now, being a teen, life had it in for him. But he would not stand for that.

"I need to get me a man. That'll solve my troubles," He muttered under his breath before continuing down to the Great Hall.


	14. The Seven Owls

The Seven Owls

Harry had not returned to Hogwarts since the uprising of the owls had been announced, but he finally mustered up the courage to return to the school where he had created so many wonderful memories.

This, he soon realized, was a huge mistake- the owls were out to get him, and they had a reason. When his beloved pet, Hedwig, had perished, it had been no mere act of laziness that Harry hadn't risen from his bed and pulled Pigwidgeon from beak. At that point in time, Harry had decided that he no longer liked owls, and took this as an opportunity to kill two owls with one stone, though not literally.

No sooner had he entered the Great Hall when a swarm of angry owls divebombed him. Harry snatched the weakest-looking owl, and stuffed it into his mouth, breaking all of its bones in the process. Harry, not realizing this, ran up to his dormitory where he succeeded in stuffing the mangled owl into Hedwig's cage.

The small owl, now feigning sleep underneath its bloody wing, angered Harry.

"Up! Get up! Get up, now!" Harry yelled, rattling its cage. He even offered it some nice tidbits from his owl treats box, but the owl proceeded to ignore them.

Harry made his way down to the broom closet that held the special fireplace that he had visited many times before. This time though, the destination was Eyelops Owl Emporium.

As soon as Harry arrived in the cluttered shop, he demanded a refund for his mangled owl, which he claimed to have bought earlier the same day.

"Huh, picked him up this morning, and he was alright! Went to the bathroom, came back, and the owl was ignoring me!" Harry said angrily.

"Son, boy, child, baby, infant, in a bubble. I hated to be the man to break this to you," said the woman with heavily lidded eyes and a menacing grin, "but I believe that your dear owl is dead!"

"But I only just bought her this morning!" Harry exclaimed.

"I remember every owl I ever sold, Mr. Potter. The owl that you have purchased earlier this morning had a twin, which was purchased by You-Know-Who shortly after your departure from our emporium this morning. The owl that nipped your finger was the twin of your beloved, and that one nip created an unbreakable bond. Some say, that when you were bitten by that owl, you were marked as his equal. Some say that owl is still out there, flying freely through the skies- cadswallop in my opinion. Naw, I think that the owl is lurking somewhere, building up an army, ready to attack our feeble world , ending life as we know it…" the woman trailed off.

Harry looked terrified, and said so, "I must look terrified," he muttered under his breath, more to himself than to the woman.

"I was joking," said the woman with a hardy laugh, "get a room!" she added.

**And Harry did just that. He left the owlry and sobbed in the solitude of The Motor Inn.**


	15. The Spirit Surprising

**The Spirit Surprising**

Harry had officially run out of men at Hogwarts to date. As he passed familiar faces in the hallway, he knew that things between them and he would never be the same again. Even the owls seemed to realize that something had changed, and for this, Harry was slightly glad.

Though he would never admit it, Harry had resorted to futile owl slaughter, once again.

"A beautiful baby boy," said Harry, counting his toes, of which there were ten, but the number lessening by the day.

Harry had just awoken, and was still rather groggy. Harry noticed that something was off. Due to his lacking of clothes, he had the strangest suspicion that he just wasn't a virgin any longer.

"Peeves, show yourself!" Harry screeched, heartbroken that his ghoulish lover had crossed his boundaries in such an extent that Harry would never be the same man again.

Harry felt violated in a way that he had never felt before. He felt vulnerable, raw, and depressed. He was also curious- had he enjoyed the experience or not? Harry assumed not, and ran from the room, sobbing.

"Ickle firstiekins!" Peeves screeched after him, cackling evilly, "Peevsie got your nosie?"

Harry had known that he was getting himself into trouble the moment that he had agreed to date Peeves- after all, how much sensitivity could a poltergeist posses?!

Harry ran into Nearly Headless Nick, a gentler and more caring ghost. Harry took this encounter as an opportunity to be ridden of the impressive burdens that he had taken hold of in the past few hours.

Nearly Headless Nick, being the gallant and chivalrous ghost that he was, tried to comfort Harry by telling him that maybe Peeves was hurt by this ordeal, too, and was masking his confusion with his greatest defense mechanism- cracking jokes.

Harry wasn't buying the crap, really, but decided that it was worth a try to confront Peeves- after all, he had already let at least four "love-of-his-lives" get away, and didn't want to add Peeves to his growing list. Harry knew that if he let this special ghoul get away, he may never be able to love again.

Gently placing the dried-out beak of his deceased owl, Hedwig, into his pocket, Harry set off to find the one who got away.

It was already nighttime when he finally found Peeves, but not in the way he had expected.

Harry thought that he would find Peeves pulling up the carpets in the halls or strategically placing buckets of water on top of doorways. But no, Peeves wasn't doing anything of the sort. What he was really doing surprised the bejesus out of Harry- Peeves was gasping out gut-wrenching sobs, and Harry had a strange feeling that he had something to do with it.

Harry snuck up behind the strange little man, and placed his arm lightly on his shoulder. Looking into the beady, wicked, black eyes of Peeves, Harry realized that Sir Nicholas Fleming DeMimsy had been right about everything that he had said.

Peeves and Harry broke up that night, but remained good friends until one dreary day, Peeves had decided to prank Harry.

What Peeves did was unforgivable. He had performed the Cruciatus Curse at 23:40:02, on Friday, the 30th of July.

Normally this wouldn't have been a big deal, but Peeves still had the Trace, seeing as ghost years were different from wizarding years (In ghost years, Peeves was 437, while in wizarding years, he was a mere 12 years old).

Harry was startled that Peeves would ever do such an unforgivable act. He rejoiced when Peeves received a letter from the Ministry of Magic, which undoubtedly meant that his act wouldn't go unpunished.

_Dear Mr. Peeves,_

_We are pleased to inform you that we have received warning that you have breeched the decree of underaged half-breed sorcery. The law clearly states that any person, place, or thing under the age of 17, or lacking possession of a wand, shall be hanged, immediately._

_Hope you are well,_

_Dolores June Umbridge_

_(Senior Underscecratary to M.o.M)_

Peeves read the letter through twice, and did something that surprised the bejesus out of Harry, yet again. Peeves laughed.

"Ya can't hang a poltergestie!" Peeves chirped with glee, clapping his stubby hands together six times in all.

"Oh yes, you can!" Harry smirked, knowingly. Peeves looked frightened, as he chuckled, scarred.

The next day, Peeves was hanged.


	16. Mrs Weasley's Request

**Mrs. Weasley's Request**

Harry woke up in the middle of the night, craving Cheese Nips. He decided it would be best for him to ask his favorite mother, Mrs. Weasley, to send some via Barn Owl.

_Dear Mrs. Weasley,_

_I want Cheese Nips._

_Your Loving Son, _

_Harry_

Feeling satisfied that his letter got the point across, he made his way up to the owlery. In the doorway, he bumped into Cho.

Stepping around her, he walked towards his loving owl Hedwig. But then he remembered that she had died in a tragic accident days before. Realizing this, he decided to borrow Pigwideon, Ron's owl, but soon came to the conclusion that his letter was far too long to be sent with such a tiny owl.

"Come here, Errol," Harry coaxed the mangy grey bird down from a perch some 30 feet above his head.

"Okay," Errol hooted in response, grinning broadly at the prospect of being able to deliver post for a boy as cute and charming as Harry June Potter.

Errol held out a perfectly sculpted leg for Harry, who nimbly and skillfully attached the letter to it. Little did Errol know that he was delivering a Howler.

Harry, content that his wish would be fulfilled in good time, trudged downstairs for a spot of breakfast before his first lesson of the day was to begin.

On the stairs, he met a very flushed Mrs. Weasley, who was conveniently carrying a large, 'Family-Sized', box of Cheese Nips.

"Thanks for the Nips!" Harry cheered, snatching the box from her hands, not realizing the box was for her children.

Mrs. Weasley scowled. At the same moment, Mr. Weasley Apparated near Harry and his wife . . . and right into the disappearing step.

"Hello, Mrs. Weasley!" Mr. Weasley greeted his wife.

"Hello, Mr. Weasley," Mrs. Weasley said.

"You have Cheese Nips," Harry observed, snatching the box from Mr. Weasley and holding both the boxes protectively to his chest.

A tear came to Mr. Weasley's eye, "Yes, I've just received your Howler. It killed my bird when it exploded."

"Accio, Hagrid!" Harry called, summoning his large friend, "Hagrid," Harry whispered into the giant's ear, "I need some lady help! Advice, per say."

"Anythin' fer you, Harry!" Hagrid said, beaming at his young friend.

"I . . . I want . . . to ask out . . . Mrs. Weasley," Harry said nervously, snapping a pencil in two and twisting a lock of his hair around his finger.

"Well, the bes' thing ter do is jus' do it . . . and women love arrogance," Hagrid said, giving his best advice to his young friend.

Harry knew that he had what it took to break up a happily married couple like the Weasleys, so it was with much confidence that he strolled right up to Molly June Weasley and said, "Go out with me, bitch."

Mrs. Weasley gasped and slapped Harry upside the head, until she realized that it would really improve her sex life to date a boy as young, limber, and famous as Harry Potter.

"Actually, Harry," she started, trying to collect her thoughts that had been jumbled by his very presence, "I'll go out with you… On one condition."

Harry smirked, knowing that he would have to be flexible and spontaneous in this relationship, but that was price he was willing to pay for Mrs. Weasley.

Mr. Weasley, who had been watching the whole interaction in awe, finally spoke up, "Uhm, excuse me?" he asked timidly, clearing his throat, "Err, Harry… Uhm, uh, that isn't going to work out. Not while I'm around."

Harry, hearing this, attacked Mr. Weasley, who went flying down the stairs. Mr. Weasley broke his neck on impact, and was sent to Saint Mungo's. Very pleased with his doings, Harry looked deeply into Mrs. Weasley's sparkling brown eyes and grinned, "Everything's going to change now, isn't it?"

Mrs. Weasley didn't answer him with her words, but with her tender actions. She linked her arm with Harry's, and together the couple set off to the Gryffindor dormitory together.

Upon arriving in the dormitory, they were greeted by the stares of the Weasley children, and other Gryffindor children as well.

"Harry, mate, get your bloody hands off of my mum! Do you have any idea how delicate her heart is?!" Ron asked, angered.

Fred and George looked up from their game of Exploding Snap, looks of pure disgust on their identical faces.

Ginny glared at Harry, stood up, and stormed from the room.

"Ginny, wait!" said Cho, quickly following her fiery redheaded girlfriend out of the room.

"Come on, we're not welcome here," Harry said angrily to Mrs. Weasley, leading her out of the portrait hole that they had entered through moments before, "Mrs. Weasley, I need some alone time. I'm sorry, but just… Just go home."

"Well, Harry, let me tell you that you're seriously lacking in the 'Cats-In-Hats' department! We're through!" Mrs. Weasley sobbed, and ran from the hallway, obviously crushed.

Harry made his way to the men's bathroom, which he had come to know very well during his recent heartbreaking experiences. Conveniently, he ran right into the boy who he was most hoping to see.

"Ron, I only dated your mum because I wanted to make you jealous!" Harry sobbed onto his mate's shoulder.

Ron, pretending not to remember the brief relationship and whole ordeal in the common room moments before, said hurriedly, "What are you talking about, Harry?"

Harry, hearing this, smiled into Ron's soft, warm chest and pecked his cheek.

And soon, they were inseparable.

The boys did everything together- they ate, they swam, they sung, they improvised Sex and the City scenes during those long summer nights in the common room.

Much to the disgust and horror of the straight boys, Harry and Ron were big on P.D.A-ing at any possible moment. Colin Creevey took snapshot after snapshot, always trying to edit his own face onto Ron's body, much to the dismay of his girlfriend, Professor Silly Sprout.

One sunny morning, Harry awoke in a spiteful, grumpy mood. As he walked by Sir Cadogan's portrait, Harry spat, "Oh, shut it, you," to the portrait.

As the birds outside chirped, Harry thought up a brilliant idea. He would construct a slingshot from his own hair and fingernail clippings, and shoot the perky birds from their perches in the Whomping Willow's branches.

He knew of only one person who would be willing to help him in his noble quest of bird slaughter, and that was his good friend, Ludo Bagman.

Ludo had taken to the sport of bird hunting at a young age, and was happy to assist his young companion.

"Thanks, Lude," Harry addressed his friend the Hufflepuff way, as Ludo had once the well-earned title of 'Blushing Badger'.

"Anytime, Hare," Ludo grinned roguishly, and winked at him. The wink was very quick, and Harry knew that this symbolized long-lasting friendship.

Harry and Ludo made their way out to the castle grounds, careful to avoid any bird-lovers they happened to pass along the way.

The two friends spent the day killing birds of all shapes and sizes, much to Harry's delight.

As Harry drifted off to sleep that night, he was reminded of his old lover he first met 9.72 years ago, Viktor June Krum.


	17. The Dark Girls Snogging

**The Dark Girls Snogging**

Harry had grown both mentally and physically in the last few weeks. After he had gone bird hunting with his good friend Ludo, he noticed new muscles sprouting on his forehead. He had also grown bored of bird hunting.

His new hobby was peeling the excess skin off of his long, tender nose. He began skipping his classes in order to pull the skin off of the outside of his nostrils. His friends started to worry, for he had begun to blow off the plans they had made on weekends so he could feed his obsession.

One day, Harry stood up and said to no one, "This skin peeling has got to stop! I need to live my life to the fullest and peeling my skin away won't help me to destroy time."

Shuddering, Harry pulled a wrist watch out of his pocket, still without the slightest inkling as to why Dumbledore had left it to him in his will.

Then, he decided that he would need to explore the castle without the help of his best friends Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. He made his way to the statue of the one eyed witch and blindly ran his shaking hand over her humps. He then entered a deserted classroom, hoping he may see someone he knew. Instead, he saw a large mirror in which someone he knew was reflected. Instantly, he knew that this was the Mirror of Erised and that the person staring back at him was himself.

But, to his amazement, the classroom around him was not reflected in the mirror – Nothing surrounded him but blackness.

"This is boring," Harry said absently, feigning indifference. But the truth was his insides were churning at the sight of his one true desire.

Harry left the classroom, longing for one last look in the mirror, but he had to force himself to go on. After all, he needed to find his good friends Romilda and Daphne. He followed his heart to a classroom on the third floor, though his instinct was leading him to Filch's dungeon. Harry ignored this, for he knew his instinct was playing petty tricks on him.

When he entered the classroom, he stared, fascinated at the sight in front of him. He was both appalled and amazed at what he saw. His two best friends in the world were on the floor, playing the game of snog. It was a game in which Harry was very well equipped, so he tried to join in.

A look of fright was plastered on both girls' faces as they tried to shrug Harry off of them.

"What the hell are you doing?" the darker of the two asked him.

"Just foolin' around," Harry lied casually as his instinct urged him to tell the girls the truth.

Suddenly, Harry heard a rustling from the other side of the classroom door.

"Go see who it is," his instinct said. Harry felt as though someone had cast the Imperius Curse upon him. Whoever it was, he was going to find out, because his instinct wanted to know.

"Hell no, I'm not going over there," he said, crashing headlong into a desk as he tried to control his body, "It's my body. MINE! I'll lead it where I want to!"

"Vello?" a voice called from the door.

Harry recognized the voice as that of Viktor Krum.

"I'm outta here," his conscience said in a nervous whisper, "Sorry, kid. You're on your own."

"No, wait! This is when I need you most!" Harry said out loud.

"Varry? Vis vat vou?" Krum called from the door.

"Ves. DOH, I mean, yes," Harry answered, nervously fixing his hair.

What happened next was something no amount of words could describe. Slowly, Krum inched towards Harry, and what Harry did was run.


	18. Twincest

**Twincest**

_Blood. Everywhere. My shaking white hands. My knobby knees banging together. The spittle in my aching throat._

Harry awoke with a start. He had been having hellish nightmares like these ever since Viktor had returned to Hogwarts again. Though the burly eighteen year old claimed it was a casual visit, Harry knew the truth – Viktor had been expelled from Durmstrang. Why? He did not know, nor was he determined to find out.

Carefully easing himself down the ladder of his bunk-bed, he managed, for the third time this week, to stir Ron from his peaceful slumber.

"Sorry, mate," Harry apologized fretfully. Even though he and Ron had been going steady for the past month now, he still wasn't used to the fact that he had someone out there that cared about him and was willing to dedicate the rest of their life for him. Harry sighed in delight.

"Shuddup," Ron mumbled, rolling onto his side and drooling a bit onto his pillow.

"Hey, I just changed that pillowcase, honey!" Harry jokingly chided, wagging his index finger at his partner lovingly.

"Sorry…" Ron said in that cute voice that Harry fell for every time.

"How can I say no to that?" Harry questioned rhetorically, leaving the room with a broad grin plastered upon his bright, childish face.

In the cozy Gryffindor common room, Harry's eyes met a sight that one should never have to witness- Fred and George, in a violent lip-lock.

"Ew!" Harry screeched, covering his eyes with one hand and guiding himself towards the twins with the other. Whether his conscience (it had returned late last night) wanted him to break up the pair or join in, Harry wasn't sure… All he knew was that he was going to find out within seconds.

And what his conscience decided surprised him- He just watched the twin-on-twin action!

After half an hour, the twins looked up. Seeing Harry, they let loose a scream of mortification.

"Harry, what're you doing watching us?!" the boys shouted in unison, scowls overtaking their angelic features.

"Oh, nothin'," Harry lied casually, trying to reason with his conscience yet again. After all, what kind of crazy fool would ever tell the twins that he had been fascinated by what they were doing?

"Harry, you know that you can tell us the truth," George said pleasantly, yanking on his left ear in annoyance.

"I know that you're yanking on your ear because you're annoyed," Harry mumbled under his breath, suddenly extremely interested in his toenails.

"It's an extendable ear, mate!" Fred said, embarrassed for his younger friend.

"Oh, that makes _all_ the difference!" Harry muttered sarcastically, still utterly perplexed by what he had witnessed earlier.

With that, the twins left the common room, hand in hand.

Soon after, Harry followed the same route down to the Ravenclaw common room, as that had been the twins' destination- or so he thought.

There, he ran into Luna "Loony" Lovegood- and quite literally! He had been dashing about the corridors with glee, not a care in the world.

"Hey Loony! Eh, Luna!" Harry corrected himself quickly, inwardly slapping his conscience for forcing him to call Luna by her disastrous nickname.

"Hey, Hairy!" Luna murmured politely.

Harry growled in anger- he knew that Luna had called him Hairy, and not his proper name, Harry. He was not one to tolerate petty nicknames, homonyms included.

"It's Harry, not Hairy!" Harry screeched angrily.

Luna frowned, confused. Then, she smiled apologetically. "Okay, Harry, it won't happen again."

"It had better not," Harry warned her menacingly, and then walked away muttering about those blasted Nargles and wondering whether or not you could mate them with Puffskeins and Nifflers.

Luna, having incredibly good hearing, called out to him, "No!"

Harry thanked her and continued to storm through the hallways, slamming classroom doors shut as he went.

Unfortunately for him, this door slamming business did not go unnoticed by the meanest teacher around- Poppy Pomfrey.

"Harry June Potter!" the elderly healer scolded, "What in God's name has gotten into you?"

And that's when Harry broke down into heaving sobs, "My mum and dad don't love me, Dumbledore watches porn, and there are too many Freshwater Plimpies infesting these hallways! Hermione ditched me to spend time with Cho Chang, Voldemort killed my parents, and I feel that Ron and I are growing apart! What do I do, Pops?"

"Look for the magic in your heart, Harry. Let your soul lead you there and your conscience be like your guide to true freedom!" Poppy smirked, satisfied that she had given her best bit of advice yet to such a handsome young man.

Harry was seething through his teeth. At the mention of his conscience, all of the horrible memories came flooding back to him. His first kiss, his first period, his first pet owl, Hedwig.

"Damn you, woman!" Harry said, and stalked off towards the Slytherin common room, where he knew Ron spent his afternoons playing chess with Pansy Parkinson.


	19. The Pug At Bay

**The Pug at Bay**

Harry entered the Slytherin common room only to find Ron and Pansy in the middle of an intense game of Exploding Snap. Harry was surprised to see Percy Weasley in on the action.

"It's your turn, Ron," Percy said to his brother in a voice which was oddly high pitched for a boy of his size.

Harry seethed in anger, as he knew that there would only be one reason as to why Ron would be hanging around that nasty Parkinson girl- Because he was beginning to like her.

When Ron saw Harry, he looked up and quickly pushed Pansy's cards off of the table, trying to make it look like he had been playing with only Percy.

"Just a fangirl, mate," Ron explained guiltily, watching Harry eye Pansy in distaste.

"Sure," Harry sneered, baring his sharp teeth.

"Really, she is… She was just rooting for me in this game of Exploding Snap... Either me or Percy, so who can blame her?" Ron tried to joke, but Harry wasn't listening. He was seeing red, and the only things on his mind were his hands around Pansy's stout neck.

Pansy noticed him glaring at her, and she squirmed uncomfortably. She was a Legilimens like no other- So good, in fact, that she saw the whole scene from Harry's point of view.

As Harry advanced towards her, she stood up and backed into the wall. She looked around for Ron with pleading eyes, but he was suddenly very interested in Percy's prefect badge. Percy shifted uncomfortably under Ron's intense gaze.

The whole room was tense and silent. And that's when Harry did it.

"_Avada__Kedavra_" he yelled, pointing his wand at Pansy's heart. He closed his eyes before the poor girls lifeless body even had time to react.

When he opened them, she was crumpled in a motionless heap on the floor.

He was a monster, and he must flee.

So he did what he does best- He ran from the room, sobbing.

* * *

He opened his eyes. He was surrounded by darkness. He thought that he must have passed out somewhere.

Groping for a wall, he stood up, though he felt rather uneasy. Had he really done that horrible deed? Had he, Harry June Potter, killed an innocent girl out of sheer jealousy?

Yes. He had. And the time to escape was now, before he ended another life. Before he went insane and rampaged throughout the school, killing every person, place, or thing that he passed.

After some time, he made his way through the hole of darkness to the Gryffindor common room, where he knew he must bid a final farewell to his mates and pack his rucksack with only his favorite possessions.

Avoiding the gazes of the frightened students, Harry walked intently towards the spiral staircase leading to his dormitory. Halfway up the stairs, he ran into Seamus.

"So, you think I'm a liar now, too?" Harry questioned, brushing off the burly boy and continuing a determined walk to his dorm, ascending the rest of the stairs.

When he finally reached his destination, he rapidly began to pack. He stuffed whatever he could reach within the short amount of time that he had, into his bag.

Hedwig's cage? Check. Ron's deluminator? Check. Crookshanks? Check. His pocket sneakoscope? Check. Percy's prefect badge? Double-check. His bedspread? Check.

"And now I'm all ready to go," Harry whispered, grinning in spite of himself.

In the common room, he made a short announcement of farewell to his fellow students, including Hagrid, "Guys, I have to flee the country. I'll miss you all. Goodbye."

Even though nobody looked up, Harry was satisfied that he had left his imprint upon the others, and left, silent tears streaming down his face.


	20. Forbidden Love

**Forbidden Love**

Using all of his strength, Harry apparated off of the school grounds- After burning his copy of Hogwarts, A History, he found that the enchantments barring wizards and witches alike from apparating to and from Hogwarts had lifted.

Taking out the pocket sneakoscope he had packed in his rucksack, he asked it the question that he wanted the answer to most.

"What did I eat for lunch?" Harry asked it, a tear glistening in his eye and his stomach growling.

The sneakoscope began to whir loudly, indicating that Harry had eaten nothing at all. Worried, he pulled Crookshanks out of the bag, and ruthlessly tore off the poor cat's limbs.

After he had had his fill of Kneazle, Harry giggled and wiped the blood off the corners of his smiling mouth.

"That hit the spot," he said to everyone and no one at the same time.

Setting off on his noble quest once again, Harry soon met a fork in the road. Consulting his deluminator, he took the left fork and followed the orb of light onward. Finally, he reached a clearing, which a little stream was running through.

Glaring at the gently flowing stream, Harry barked, "You asshole," and used his favorite spell, Finite Incantatem, to make the stream disappear. Instead of disappearing, Harry was confronted with the last spells he had used that day, some of which were quite nasty.

The grey, ghostly form of Pansy Parkinson slid out of the tip of his wand, swearing loudly at him in Gobbledygook, which was her first language.

After about five minutes of this, the nastiest spell of all came spiraling out of the tip of his wand. It was the Engorgio that he had secretly cast on Ron's left eyebrow before departing from the common room, which had made him look like a troll. Cringing, Harry snapped his wand in two.

"Damn, now I'll probably have to rely on the items that I packed in my rucksack!" Harry said aloud, kicking himself in the shins. But this action didn't hurt him at all, because everybody knows that you use less force when inflicting pain upon yourself.

Deciding to settle down in the clearing, Harry prepared to spend his first night under the bedspread that he had packed for himself.

Lying on the soggy leaves, Harry pondered to himself, trying to figure out where he was.

Finally, it came to him. _Bingo- the Forbidden Forest!_

Harry walked over to his rucksack, and pulled out Hedwig's cage. He had forgotten that Hedwig had died weeks ago, and set up her cage a lookout, oblivious to the fact that it was empty.

That night, Harry slept a restless sleep. Every ten minutes he was awakened by the sound of what he took to be Hedwig's rustling wings, trying to warn him of danger.

_"What a pussy,_"Harry thought to himself. His owl had always been frightened of little things, like Voldemort, death, and pain.

After a while, the rustling was getting more and more persistent, so Harry stood up and trooped his way over to the cage. Upon seeing that it was empty, Harry screeched and cried in despair.

"What have you done with my owl?" he called to the open air, knowing that the fiend couldn't be far away, "My parents! He betrayed them! He was their friend, and he betrayed them!"

"Silence," said a quiet voice from the shadows.

Startled, Harry turned around, and was face to face with Moran the centaur.

"Wassat?" Harry asked, mortified.

"My name is Bane," Moran began, chuckling to himself.

Harry, catching on to the joke, grinned and said, "Well then, I'm James!"

The centaur, delighted that Harry was joining in, wheezed, "I'm Ronan!"

"Lily!" Harry laughed openly now, completely at ease.

"Silence," the centaur repeated, glaring at him. He had killed the joke almost as quickly as he had started it, "What are you doing in my clearing?"

"Just hangin' around," lied Harry, casually. He nonchalantly pinned Percy's prefect badge to his chest, hoping the centaur would notice its gleam.

The centaur gazed at Pluto, and said, "The stars tell me you're lying."

Just then, another centaur appeared, "Pluto looks bright tonight…"

"That's because this boy's lying," Moran sneered, shooting a disgusted glance at Harry.

"Okay, okay. I ran away. I killed a girl and had to flee the country. And fine, I'm just wearing this badge to impress you!" Harry began to shake with silent sobs.

"Pluto has considerably darkened. You must be telling the truth," the centaur said thoughtfully, scratching his head with his hind-hoof.

Soon after this dark encounter, Harry and Moran the centaur became friends.

One evening, not long after they had met, the two made love under the stars.


	21. All Good Things Come to an End

**Harry Potter and All Good Things Come to an End**

It had been 6 months since Harry had been in contact with any human or magical creature. After his fiasco in the Forbidden Forest, he had decided to flee the country for real. He was now hidden in a cave in New Zealand, living off of beetles and dirt. His body had grown accustomed to the lack of water and sunlight, so he was able to survive –

and plus, he was magical! So he would've been able to survive anyways.

One morning, Harry decided that it was time to leave the cave once and for all. It was a tearful goodbye, but Harry knew that it was for the best. He kissed each rock wall chastely, knowing that he would never see them again.

"Goodbye," said Harry.

"Goodbye, my friend," the cave responded, voice thick with tears.

Harry decided to return to Hogwarts in disguise – he confidently dawned a red wig, blue contacts, and stilts. Charming freckles onto his face, he hopped onto his Nimbus 1000000 and flew off towards the castle in which he had grown up.

Upon reaching Hogwarts grounds, Harry tried to plan an impressive entrance. He decided that crashing through the Great Hall's charmed, glass ceiling would suffice. As he flew through the shattering glass, he screeched a cry of triumph and landed on the Hufflepuff table.

He happened to land right into Ernie Macmillian's (an old BF of his) scrambled eggs. After a soulful stare into Harry's eyes, Ernie disgustedly asked, "who the bloody hell are you?!"

"I'm Ha- Ron Weasley," Harry responded, catching himself just in time. He was slightly saddened that good ol' Ern didn't realize who he truly was.

"But… Ron Weasley is right over there!" Ernie pointed, perplexed.

Harry made his way, nervously, over to the Gryff's table.

"Ron? It's me,.. er… you. From the future," Harry lied slickly.

"What the eff?" asked Ron, looking Harry up and down, "that's how I'll look when I'm an adult?"

"Actually I'm you in like… two months," Harry specified, sweating.

"Oh, cool. Nice to meet you," cried Ron, shaking Harry's hand furiously.

"No, nice to meet… ME!" Harry said, giggling. His plan was going to work after all!

Ron grinned widely and led his future self up to the Gryffindor Tower. When they arrived in the common room, Ron pointed to a couch and said, "you can sleep over there…"

Harry, highly affronted as he had never slept somewhere more uncomfortable in his life, barked out, "There!? You want me to sleep… THERE? Come on, mate, we're the same person, why not share your bed?"

Ron blushed, but obliged. "Fine, as long as you don't try anything funny."

Harry, delighted, replied, "Alright, no funny business!"

They made their way up the musical stairs to the dormitory. Harry wondered when those stairs had been installed. He couldn't help but try them out a few times, hopping out the tune of "Hedwig's Theme."

"Stop that!" Ron screeched, angrily slapping 'himself' upside the head.

"Fine," Harry pouted but followed his double to the bed that they were to share tonight. "And for many nights to come…" Harry whispered to himself.

"What?" Ron asked curiously, though he had heard every word and he likied.

"Oh, nothing…" Harry replied.

"Alright…" said Ron, "well, could you turn around while I change?"

"What the?! We're the same person and you care about me seeing you in your briefs?!"

"Actually… I sleep in the nude, usually. But I guess you're right, briefs are more appropriate considering our situation."

Harry mentally cursed himself for opening his big, fat mouth.

As they crawled into bed, Ron in his briefs and Harry in nothing at all, they drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

At midnight, Harry awoke to dear Hedwig's spirit hooting somewhere near her grave outside.

"Damn pigeon…" Harry cursed his dead owl.

While he was awake and Ron was still asleep, Harry decided to get something off of his chest. "It's actually me… Harry James Potter. Not you," he said into Ron's ear.

"I've known all along," Ron whispered back.

So he was awake all along! Harry jumped out of his skin, howling like a mad cow.

"How did you know?" Harry asked.

"Your red hair… your blue eyes… it HAD to be you," Ron smiled at his best friend and once almost-lover.

"Cool," Harry said awkwardly, casting his eyes downwardly like the 13 year old girl he used to be.

Ron said, "you remember the dream I had so many months ago?"

"Yea…" Harry said, confused as to why Ron was mentioning this now.

"Well… I love you, Harry. I love you," Ron whispered gently, removing Harry's blue contact lenses, red wig, and stilts.

"I love you too, Ron. Always have, always will," Harry responded tearfully.

"Now it's my turn to say cool…" Ron trailed off, eyes twinkling, "cool."

The two boys kissed passionately, and lived together at Hogwarts forever, as Dumbledore had passed away in Harry's absence and left the castle to him.

**-END-**


	22. A Note from the Author

**A/N (MUST READ FOR STORY):**

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